Yesterday I was feeling down and exhausted. Last week at Parker's doctors appointment I learnt that he had only gained 2 ounces in the entire month. Although I knew he probably didn't have a huge weight gain in the month because he had been sick, I thought it would be more than that. Plus, for the last month he has been waking in the night and I've been feeding him.
I've spent over 9 months focusing so much time and energy on feeding Parker and trying to get him to grow. And I was tired. I was questioning my decision to continue breastfeeding. I always said that I would love to make it to a year, but each month that Parker gets older I kind of think to myself that if we quit now, I've made it 7 months, 8 months, 9 months, and that's a whole lot longer than a lot of moms make it. There would be absolutely no shame in stopping now.
But there are still so many benefits to breastfeeding. Parker doesn't take a bottle and so I felt to wean him would mean weaning completely and once you make that decision and lose your milk supply, that's it, there's no turning back.
Today I had an appointment at the hospital and so I got to have a little conversation with one of my doctors. She has a baby who is just over a year old. And she reassured me that Parker was fine. He's doing great developmentally, he doesn't look malnourished and he's happy. There are benefits to breastfeeding and he might just be a tiny little guy, and that's ok. It was what I needed to hear today.
Being a mom is full of constant internal conversations and struggles. I constantly wonder if what I'm doing and the decisions that I'm making are the right ones. Talking to a female doctor, who is in the same stage of life as me and who has a tiny baby (not as tiny as Parker, but nobody is as tiny as Parker!) gave me so much reassurance that he was fine. She told me to stick with it for just one more month, or two more months and see how things go.
So today I'm grateful. I'm grateful that despite his size, I have a healthy baby. The struggles that I have had with Parker are nothing compared to what some parents go through. And even in those moments where I'm so frustrated with him because he refuses to eat, he will then give me a little smirk, and that just brightens my day.
Right around this time I started to question nursing as well. Then Sam was nursing and having a little bit more food and his weight gain reflected that although it was never a crazy jump! One month, he even lost a little bit! I wouldn't be worried and as long as he is eating and is satisfied, I wouldn't worry! You always know what is best! You know your boy better than anyone! Including medical professionals. To me, they always go by charts and statistically facts when the reality is that every child is different! xo
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