A New Day

Yesterday I was feeling down and exhausted.  Last week at Parker's doctors appointment I learnt that he had only gained 2 ounces in the entire month.  Although I knew he probably didn't have a huge weight gain in the month because he had been sick, I thought it would be more than that.  Plus, for the last month he has been waking in the night and I've been feeding him.  

I've spent over 9 months focusing so much time and energy on feeding Parker and trying to get him to grow.  And I was tired.  I was questioning my decision to continue breastfeeding.  I always said that I would love to make it to a year,  but each month that Parker gets older I kind of think to myself that if we quit now, I've made it 7 months, 8 months, 9 months, and that's a whole lot longer than a lot of moms make it.  There would be absolutely no shame in stopping now.  

But there are still so many benefits to breastfeeding.  Parker doesn't take a bottle and so I felt to wean him would mean weaning completely and once you make that decision and lose your milk supply, that's it, there's no turning back.

Today I had an appointment at the hospital and so I got to have a little conversation with one of my doctors.  She has a baby who is just over a year old.  And she reassured me that Parker was fine.  He's doing great developmentally, he doesn't look malnourished and he's happy.  There are benefits to breastfeeding and he might just be a tiny little guy, and that's ok.  It was what I needed to hear today.

Being a mom is full of constant internal conversations and struggles.  I constantly wonder if what I'm doing and the decisions that I'm making are the right ones.  Talking to a female doctor, who is in the same stage of life as me and who has a tiny baby (not as tiny as Parker, but nobody is as tiny as Parker!) gave me so much reassurance that he was fine.  She told me to stick with it for just one more month, or two more months and see how things go.  

So today I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that despite his size, I have a healthy baby.  The struggles that I have had with Parker are nothing compared to what some parents go through.  And even in those moments where I'm so frustrated with him because he refuses to eat, he will then give me a little smirk, and that just brightens my day.  

Things I Wish I Knew 7 Months Ago

7 months ago when I gave birth to a perfect, 5 week early, 4lb 3oz baby boy I really had no idea what I was in for.  I thought I had at least another 5 weeks to prep for this baby and the changes that he was going to bring.  But here we are 7 months later and life is different and better than I ever could of imagined it.  But those first couple of months were rough.  There are some things that I would go back and tell myself if I was able to.

It will get better.  Some day he will sleep through the night and you will sleep through the night.  Some day he will eat enough so that you don't have to pump after each and every feeding.  He will go longer between feeds (although not much).  

Soon he will smile at you and that will make everything a bit easier as you will finally have a reward for all of your hard work.

He will occupy himself.  Give him a toy and lay him on the floor and you will be able to shower and do your hair and put on make up.  Right now you are wondering how when you go back to work you will be able to make yourself presentable.  It will be possible.

Life won't get any less busy, but you will get your routines.  You will be able to get stuff done during the day and the baby won't cry every time you leave the room.  

You will only have time to paint your toe nails 3 times in the next 7 months though.  Because it never fails that as soon as you take the 2 month old nail polish off or get a base coat on Parker will wake up and need attention.

You will decide whether to change your outfit or Parker's outfit based on what type of bodily fluid is on it and how much of it there is.  A small amount of puke, pee or poop?  Ya we aren't changing outfits for that because you know that as soon as you do he will spit up all over the new outfit.

Despite spending 14 waking hours a day with a baby, you will love almost every minute of it.  You don't mind that some days you hardly have an adult conversation or you aren't able to shower or you smell like spit up.  Because you will love this baby more than you could ever imagine.

Are You Breastfeeding?

"Gimme some of that milk, mama"

If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question...

It actually blows my mind how many times I have been asked by complete strangers or acquaintances whether or not I'm breastfeeding.  Once I say that I am, they say things like "good, that's the best thing for the baby."  Luckily, by breastfeeding I'm usually answering in the way that they are hoping I will answer, but I always wonder what they would say if I said no, I'm formula feeding.  

I feel incredibly privileged to be able to nurse Parker.  It definitely wasn't an easy road for us as Parker had to learn how to nurse and in the beginning would fall asleep within 5 minutes of starting.  I never knew whether he was just sleepy or had actually eaten enough.  I had to use a nipple shield and then wean from the shield.  I had to pump and pump and pump to build my supply.  However, I do have a good supply and I never went through any excruciating pain while nursing that I have heard so much about.  I feel lucky to of had the experience that I have had, and now Parker and I are in a good rhythm. 

Breastfeeding is difficult for so many women.  And although we all may know deep down that "breast is best", sometimes for your own sanity, it may not be.  It's not just breast milk that mothers have to take into consideration, it's their own well being, their babies well being and what makes their life livable.  Breastfeeding isn't always easy and as mothers if it is making our lives more exhausting, taking away from simply enjoying our children, maybe it's not the best thing.

So when people that I hardly know (or don't know at all, because that's happened!) ask me this question, I'm glad I can say that I breastfeed, because I am proud of it.  But I feel for those mothers who don't or can't because sometimes their decision isn't respected.  From the outside we don't know what someone else has gone through and how much they may have struggled with the decision to stop. 

There is so much judgement when it comes to the decisions that we make as mothers.  I was judgy before I had a baby and now realize that I really had no right to be.  But even now, I know that I sometimes judge and see other mothers judging and I want to stop.  Parenting is hard.  Every day there are decisions that have to be made.  How to feed, when to feed, whether to sleep train etc.  At the end of the day, every single one of us is doing what we think is best for our child and our family.  I will make different decisions than each of my friends will, and that's ok.  Guess what, all of our kids will probably grow up to be just fine despite these differences.  

Cloth Diapering 101

Half of my pregnancy was spent reading about cloth diapering, trying to decide whether I wanted to do it and trying to figure out what diapers were best. So I thought a little update on our experience with it might be helpful.

I started out with about 15 used BumGenius diapers, 6 new bumgenius, 2 Kawaii microfibre, 2 Kawaii bamboo and 2 Kawaii heavy wetters.  They are all pocket diapers.

Because Parker was so tiny, I ended up buying 12 used Kawaii newborns (6-22lbs) for $25.

I also bought the Ubbi diaper pail and 2 Ubbi cloth pail bags, and a small wet bag for when we go out.  I also want to buy a large wet bag for when we go away, when Parker is with grandparents for the night or for future babysitters.

As it turned out, the diapers I bought used needed the elastics replaced.  Bumgenius diapers are fairly simple to do this for, but I'm still in the process of doing it.  I find that each diaper takes me about an hour to replace the elastic, so although I can do it, actually finding an hour where I'm not doing anything else has been tricky.  If you are buying used diapers, this is something to be cautious of if you have no interest in replacing the elastics.  

Anyways, so far I'm really liking cloth diapering.  Obviously, it has already saved me lots of money!  Buying diapers when Parker didn't fit into the cloth was so frustrating!  I do have some leaking issues (especially with the used Kawaiis I bought, they may have to be stripped.)  A lot of my leaking issues are just caused by not changing his diaper quickly enough.  You really have to change them every 2 hours.  I ended up buying 12 bamboo inserts from Kawaii.  Bamboo is more absorbent than microfibre and I find it makes a big difference.  However, when stocking up on diapers, bamboo takes a lot longer to dry, so I'm glad I don't only have bamboo or else I would be waiting 3 days for dry diapers!  

My routine:

• Every 2-3 days I wash diapers
• Throw diapers in wash and remove inserts.  Make sure any velcro tabs are attached so they don't stick to inserts.
• Cold rinse
• Hot wash using a small amount of Nature Clean detergent so that there is no build up
• Warm rinse (my machine doesn't rinse in warm so I run a short wash with no soap)
• You need to keep rinsing until all the soap is gone, I find with the one extra rinse it works for me as long as I don't use too much detergent
• Hang to dry in laundry room, or even better on the line as they dry faster and the sun bleaches the stains
• Sometimes I will throw inserts only in the dryer if they aren't drying quickly enough
• Once dry, I stuff the diapers with inserts so that they are ready to go

I don't find the extra laundry a big deal at all!  So far Parker is exclusively breast fed which makes it super easy as there is no pre-rinse required, I can throw the diaper straight in the wash without removing any poop!  Let's just say I'm not in a rush to get him on solids because of this!  I have purchased a diaper sprayer for when that day comes.

I find I like the Bumgenius diapers because they are trim and I actually think they are super cute.  The Kawaii diapers are a bit bulkier but they are nice diapers as well and besides the newborn ones (which have probably already been through a few kids) I don't seem to have leaking issues.  I bought the BumGenius when they were buy 5 get one free so I got a bit of a deal.  Kawaii diapers are much cheaper, so it's definitely nice to get some of those to save money.

I haven't even attempted overnight yet and always put Parker in disposables.  I also sometimes put him in disposables if we are going out as they can typically last longer than 2 hours and I know that I likely won't have any leaks. 

Parker rarely gets any sort of rash with the cloth diapers, and when he was just in disposables I found that he often had a bit of a red bum.

I would definitely recommend cloth diapering to people.  It's not as difficult as you might think it is and they are pretty dang cute, even if they give your baby a big booty.

Happy Due Date to Us

When I first went to the doctor when I was pregnant, I was told my due date was February 28.  The midwife changed it to February 27 because of an ultrasound, but I just kept telling everyone the 28th because I agreed with it more and I thought it was dumb that they changed it for one day.  Then I went into labour 5 weeks early and being 35+1 seemed better than 35, so now I say my due date was February 27!

It's hard to believe that at this point I was just supposed to be thinking get this baby out of me.  Or maybe I should of had a very new baby, not a 5 week old.  I assumed I would go late, everyone in my family goes late.  I had predicted a March baby, not a January baby!  But here we are, 5 weeks later, with a cute little gaffer who still needs to be woken every 3 hours to be fed.  I'm over that....

I thought maternity leave would be a vacation.  I mean I knew that being a parent would be hard, but I didn't realize just how full my days would be and yet how I would get nothing done.  I feed him, that is my life.  But that's what's important right now.  And hopefully with time, he will not have to be fed every 3 hours, I won't have to pump right after, and we can go out in public and actually feel like a human being again.  

So I'm sorry for not previously understanding what maternity leave really was, and for thinking that it was all fun and games and hanging out with your baby and watching TV (ok it is that), and having time to clean your house (it isn't that, but I really need to start doing that). But it is rewarding.  Because this little man has gained like a pound in a week and that's because of my hard work.  

Love & Fear

I was watching About Time the other day and got this quote from Tim.  And I thought that it was so true.  The love for your child is completely overwhelming.  I can't imagine life without him now.  I look forward to watching him learn, grow and develop.  But the fear that comes along with it is completely insane.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified.  I was worried that something would go wrong.  First that I would miscarry, then that there would be something wrong with him, then that something bad would happen during labour.  At one point Ryan asked me when we would stop worrying, I said I don't think we ever will, we will just worry about different things. 

And now we are worrying about different things.  Parker is ours.  It's our job to keep him alive.  So far so good!  And I know people raise children every single day, but it's a scary responsibility.  But beyond that, it's our job to raise him to be good, to teach him right from wrong.  To teach him not to talk to strangers and to be a team player.  To teach him money management, hope that he finds success in life, however that success may come.  To teach him how to treat a woman so that someday he finds a good wife and has a family of his own.  It's a job that never ends.  And that is scary, but also exciting.  

But luckily the love outweighs the fear, and that's why people have kids.  Because he will bring so much joy to our lives.  We're a family now and there's nothing better than that feeling.

New Mom Stuff

This being a mom thing isn't easy.  Parker came home from the hospital last Friday. Earlier in the week we were told Friday was a possibility, but then he lost more weight and it seemed unlikely.  I just wanted to be out by Sunday.  But when I showed up at the hospital on Friday morning they told me that he was being discharged that day! 

Our first night at home was terrifying.  I'm not sure if it's like this for all parents, or if it was scarier for us as preemie parents.  It's so important that he gain weight and not get sick.  For the first two weeks of his life there was the constant presence of nurses who could check that his vitals were ok and that he was actually breathing.  Now it was just us, and that's really scary.  I called the midwife the first night because he sounded congested and I was afraid that he was sick within hours of leaving the hospital.

Besides the fears, the first day and night were super exhausting.  Although my baby was two weeks old, I hadn't had to do 24/7 care yet and so bringing him home was a totally different story.  Not only did I now have to pump in the night, but I had to feed him as well.  So my half hour pump sessions turned into a minimum of an hour long ordeal.  I say ordeal because getting him to eat is sometimes a struggle.  With a preemie you can't just take their lead on when they are hungry.  I need to feed him at least every 3 hours whether he knows he's hungry or not. 

It's funny because I don't have anything to compare this to.  I know that all new moms are overwhelmed and exhausted, but I don't know how my experience compares to theirs.  Every day we get a bit more settled, I'm able to accomplish a little bit more and I kind of figure out the routine a bit more.  (Except for now he's eating every hour and a half to 2 hours so basically I'm feeding him all the time!)  I'm still worried about him although not as worried as I was when we first brought him home.

And most days I wonder why I even bother wearing a shirt.  I gave up on putting Parker in clothes.  He eats better naked and spits up if I jostle him by putting clothes on too quickly and by the time I can put clothes on him it's almost time to eat again.

But that face, it makes it all worth it.

I don't have the energy to proofread this so hopefully it makes sense...

Mama Decisions: Cloth Diapering

I think that it's because of this blog world that I first considered cloth diapering.  So many bloggers out there have posted about their experiences and that's what made me consider it. 

For most people, you will be calling me crazy right about now.  Why would I want to go to all of that trouble and touch so much poop?  Well first of all, I'm having a baby.  Touching poop is likely to become a daily occurrence anyways.  Cloth diapering isn't what it used to be.  It's not a piece of material that you have to pin together anymore.  They are pretty fancy! So I have really been weighing the pros and cons of cloth diapering vs disposable diapering.

Pros

• Money savings.  As an accountant this is a big one for me.  I have now purchased and ordered a stash of 27 diapers (12 new, 15 used) for $280.  Add in some accessories and I'm up to $360.  Sure that's a big investment up front, but buying disposables for the 2+ years until the kid is potty trained could be closer to $2000.  It's hard to know for sure what the savings will be though because if you buy diapers in bulk and on sale you can save tons.  But, since we do hope to have more children, those savings are even higher because I will save on the disposables for future children as well.
• More environmentally friendly.  This is not at all the main reason why I'm considering this, but it would save a ton of diapers from going to the dump.  
• For us cost isn't a huge concern in regards to additional water usage as we are on a septic system and don't pay for water.  Hydro will go up a bit, but an extra few loads probably won't make a huge difference as diapers will usually be air dried.

Cons

• Extra work.  Of course cloth diapering is more work as you have to rinse the diapers and clean them instead of just throwing them out.  This is my main concern.  I've heard that it's really not that bad, but until you're actually doing it, it's hard to know.  And I'm not the most domestic person I've ever met....
• Carrying dirty diapers around.  So one problem with cloth is that when you are out in public you have to carry those dirty diapers with you.  Some people use disposables when they go out, but I feel like to make this worth the money you really have to either go all in or not.  If you start using disposables when you're out, or when the baby is being looked after by someone else, then that cuts into your cost savings.  

What it really comes down to is cost savings vs extra work.  But when I found the 15 Bumgenius diapers used on Kijiji for $110 (new that stash would cost about $300), I couldn't resist.  I found a few more diaper sales for the new ones online and I'm starting out at a much lower cost than many people would.  Plus, will the extra work be a huge burden?  Apparently it's really not that bad, just throwing some diapers in the wash every few days.  I guess we will find out.  

And worst case, if I hate it, there's a huge cloth diaper market on Kijiji and I could probably recover most of what I've spent.

Have you tried cloth diapers?  Tell me everything you know!  


 

Why We Are Using a Midwife

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One of the first things that people have said to me when I said I was using a midwife is "Why would you put yourself and your baby at risk like that?"  First of all, keep those thoughts to yourself.  It's none of your business how I choose to deliver my baby!  Secondly, I don't see this as an increased risk. 

Now the people who have said this to me thought I was going to have a home birth, which I'm not.  I will be delivering in the hospital, with my midwife.  If anything is to go wrong, if I need drugs or a c-section, I can switch to a doctor at any point.  I do feel more comfortable with this, especially since our house is 15 minutes from the hospital in good weather and this baby will be born in the middle of winter!

But tons of people have their babies at home and they turn out just fine!  Birth is a natural process, women have been doing it for thousands of years without the help of a hospital.  So it's really not anybody else's place to tell you where you should be having your baby!

So now that I've gotten that out of the way, why did I choose a midwife?

In our town, you see your family doctor for the first half of your pregnancy and then you are turned over to the baby doctors group.  This group is made up of at least 5 local doctors.  They try to get you to see as many of them as possible, but on the day that you go into labour, you will get whichever one is on call.  Plus, I'm pretty sure if there's an on call switch in the middle of labour, your doctor will change.  (Don't quote me on that.)  With a midwife, I have 2 midwives, I will build a relationship with both of them prior to delivery and one of them will be there for my entire labour and delivery.

I'm a pretty quiet person.  I know that I don't want a c-section if at all possible.  If it's what is safest for me and baby that's fine, but I don't want to be pressured into it because it would speed along the process.  I also don't want to be pressured into an epidural.  So I just feel more comfortable with a midwife who I know I will be building a relationship and a comfort level with, who will know me, and my "plans" for birth ahead of time.

I know that this might not go to plan.  I might need a c-section.  But I want to at least try to do things my way.  I know that the doctor's group is full of incredibly talented doctors, but giving birth is a super personal process and everybody has their own ideas of what is important to them and how they want it to go.

I also have found my midwife to be very thorough.  Instead of waiting for me to ask questions, she will bring up the things that I should know for that stage of pregnancy.  Midwives are educated in this.  All they do is babies, and that's why I completely trust them with mine.